My Very First One Direction Concert
by nyanfiction
Summary: A girl reluctantly goes to a One Direction concert with her friend. She never pictured herself as a fan, but her feelings would change following a series of inexplicable events.


My 1-Dee Fanfic (No flame pls)

So iem nat liek other gurls, I hated the One Direction (hatters back off), but I hated the Hairy Stools (haha get it lol) teh most. His hair makes tumbleweeds go through mah vagina lol. Ennehway, mah frend wanted to go to a concert and she wanted to taek me along and I was like "wtf gurl, you know I don't liek them" and she was like "girl pls" so I was lik "ok yolo lol".

So we went to the concert and I booed the entire time because #girlpower and then as we were about to leaf (haha get it liek a tree lol) mah frend was like "hey gurl, let's sneak backstage and steal their underwear or something" and I was liek "lol ok".

So we were like stalker batman ninjas all up in dis hoe and mah friend was leik trying to sniff their underpants and I was like "gurl, you nasty" and she's like "baby I know" with like a winky face and whatever like ;). Haha. That winky face had a mole.

But then 1D came in like woosh and I was like "holy shiiiiiit" and they were like "lol wtf" and my frend bailed on me so I was with tem and I was like "this isn't wat it looks like" and niel was like "haha I bet uh your going to jail psycho" and I was like "nuuuuu". But then Harry (not potter) was like "come on guys (cum on guys lol) be cool" and they were like "lol ok". So then hairy's like "hey your kinda cute" and I was all feminist "don' need no man" on him and was like "I bet you say that to every girl you hoe" and he was like "only the pretty ones" and I was like wow what a power douche (I didn use quotes cuz that was a thought lol).

So then hairy started making out with me in the back alley and I was like "whoa dude slow down" and he was like "baby, you know you love it" and I was like "uh ok" and then he started stickling his tongue in my mouth and I was like "lol this is like mouth rape cuz I didn't give you consent it's like wrecking ball with rape, so I guess itz actually raping ball lol" and he's like "don't speak" and I was like "lol ok"

So he's liek "gurl, take off you're clothes" and I'm like "uh hall no cuz #girlpower I don' need no man and I'm saving myself for marriage cuz I'm a good gurl you hoe" so yeah I cock blocked him hardcore get on my level beeshes haha jk you're my only friends.

So I went home and went on my frend's page and talked shit about her and was like "haha karma hoe" (that was in quotes cuz I actually said it in front of my cat who I named not simba cuz he totally raped nala and that's not cool bro). All of a suden, I got a call and it was hairy stools ohmagerd. He's like "I can't stop thinking bout you gurl" and I was like "I bet you say that to all the gurls who don't want yer meat (lol pirate)" and he's like "only to the ones I can't stop thinking about" and I'm like "stfu nerd" and he's like "come on (cum on lol) girl pls" and that's where it was relly morally complicated for me cuz like I want to say no but he's like pls so WHAT THE F DO I DO everybody's gonna think I'm a hoe and I'm not a hoe but I wanna be polite to cuz mamma taught me good manners. But then I thought of something rlly cool and you best not be stealing it cuz I trademarked it here I'm putting a TM so you can't steal it HA.

"Alright I'll come (cum) over, but no hoe-mo" so that way I can respond to his booty call and no one will think I'm a hoe so no judgign me well you can judge but jesus don't like it so there.

So I went over to his hotel room and he's like sprawled on the bed like "hey bebeyyy" and I'm like " no hoe-mo" and he's like "baby I know" and I was like spewing rainbows at that point (no homo haha get it lol) cuz this was so weird cuz I didn't like him before and I still don't but lol I'm about to bang that hoe and make him my beesh but I'm not a hoe so shhh.

So I got next to him on the bed and it was really bouncy like that's what I like about beds at motels cuz I just want to jump on them but my mom's always like "don't jump on the bed" and I'm like "screw you mom I'mma do what I want" and she's like "lol ok" so I say to hairy "ok you can take my shirt off or whatever and stair at my brests but you can look but you can't touch ok ;)" and he's like "before we start I have to tell you something" and he looked into my eyes all serious like wut and I'm like "oh ma god your classified as a pedo in fiteen different sates, aren't you" and he's like "nah girl, nah" so I was really confuzzled at tat point like wtf and he's like "I have a confession to make" and I'm like "lol wut then" and he's like "I hav e afetoish for the beach" and I'm like "oh that's sweet but I don't think that's really a fetish" ands hie's like "bitch pls yes it is" and I'm like "don't call me that" and he's like "lol sory it's just that I can't get it on without being at the beach" and I'm like "that's great and all but we're the in themiddle of Utah there ain't no beach anywhere" and he's like "I know that's why I want you to be open to it" and I'm like "open to what?" so he grabs a back of kitty litter and starts pouring it all over the bed and I'm like "dude wtf" and he's like "it's the closest to sand's consistency baby I need this" and I'm like "uh ok" and he's like "baby pls" and I'm like "lol ok."

So then he starts caressing my hair and starts screaming "you're my beach now here comes (cums) the wave" and then he's like "URRGGHAHAHHGSHGHHGHAHHFHDSHFHSAGHHEHWGHHGHAHGHHGH HGHGHGHHGFHGHHHHHH" and I'm like "omg wtf are you doing" and he's like "I'm sticking my manstick into you baby" and I'm like "don't call me baby cuz I don't need no man and that's disempowering so knock it off" and he's like "I'll knock you off" and I'm like "that doesn't even make any sense" and he's like "I get so hard when I don't make any sense."

And then I was liek "hold da facking phone" and he's like "lol wut" and I'm like "we still have our clothes on" and he's like "oh snap we're dryhumping" and in case you didn't know that dryhumping are sin it super bad and jesus doesn't like it so if you actually dig that kind of thing y'all need jesus. So i'm like "take my top off" and he's like "no you" and I'm like "you're such a selfish dick" and he's like "you like my selfish dick" and I'm lik e"lol wtf." So I start unbuttoning his shirt which honesly I found kinda tacky cuz it was plaid and plaid is of the devil look it up I jus googled it haha beat you to it hoe is like lumber jack pedo rapist so there.

So he's like "omg rub my nipples" and I'm like "excuse me" and he's like "you've been escused" and I'm like "no I mean the thing before that about the nipples" and he just starts laughing like wtf and he's like "silly American, rub my nipples is british slang" and I'm like "oh ok for wut?" and he's like "for rub my nipples." And OVIOUSLY I can't disrespect his culture or anything cuz das racist so I started rubbing them (all four of them lol just kidding that's just our little secret that you'll never know cuz I never tell you wanna know why cuz I'm no hoe cuz hoes lie and stuff and like I said I no hoe). So anyways, he's like "ohmagerd that so hot girl" and I'm like "lol ok" and he started saying that he was gonna give me a spa treatment or something he said that he was gonna give me a facial later and I was like oh what a gentlemen how nice that he would treat a lady like a lady but at the same time OH MY GOD SO OFFEND to my woman power. Like I can take care of myself thank you very much and you can't do anything about it your just intimidated by my power well guess what guys love powerful women cuz they sexy and you know it so always be the girl who's like "aw nah I don' need no man" and they'll always be like "I want to put my penis in you" and just be like "no" and they'll get so super horny and then you'll be the girl that everybody wants haha there I just gave you some girl advice so you can thank me later ;). Haha that winky face had a mole too. She's just insecure about her body.

So hairy's like "gurl gurl gurl" and I'm like "lol wtf wut" and he's like "take some of the kitty litter on the comforter and rub it on my nipples" and I'm like "what's with you and nipples" and he's like "pls girl pls I want to feel like I'm at the ocean being suckled by a manatee" and I'm like "I bet you've never even experienced that" and he's like "I'd like to experience it with you" and I'm like "ew not a chance". See that? That' sme using my "power" to be sexy cuz I'm a powerful woman following my own advice and I could see that he respected my power and that I followed my own advice because his crotch told me.

So then he's like "girl pls" and excuse my French but I had to assert my power as a woman and I was like "um why do you want to be suckled by a manatee at the beach" and he's just like "don't tell anyone, but this is really personal" and I'm like "wut's really personal like you're crotch" and he's like "lol well yeah that but I mean I have a tortured past girl" and secretly I'm like "ohmagerd" cuz he's like a lost puppy that becomes the leader of the pack after being totally abused and a bunch of crap and oh my god that's like a movie I saw once but because I'm not like other girls and I don't eat that crap (eating crap omg gross lol) I was just like totally aloof like I didn't show any emotion like ._. lol that was a relay good face I made because that was totally what it was like.

And he's like "I lost my first love at the beach" and I'm like ohmagerd this is also like a movie that I saw about a girl who rode boards and stuff but a shark went grah and it was really sad like ugh my feels but then her life changed for the better because she's not like all the other girls who are like barbies and crap no she's special so yeah so I asked "idk what you mean" and he told me that he found his first love when he was eleven and at that point I kind of just shut him out a little cuz 11 is too young to be doing those kinds of things like wtf why are you in a releationship at 11 omg so sinful no need to get sexual like holding hands and stuff I don't know where your hands have been like in your mouth and everything or on toilet seats it just makes me shiver like that one time I saw the 6th sense but I'm not gonna spoil the ending like everyone else because I'm not a jerk and honestly I didn't get it anyway like he's dead the entire time but that doesn't make any sense cuz the boy can see him like wtf leave it to Hollywood to suck at writting.

So then he's like "so I fell in love with this gurl once cuz she gave me her crayons in class once" and I'm like "omg wut a hoe" and he keeps going totally ignoring my totally correct comment (he's probs just afraid to admit his faults cuz I'm a woman and he's intimidated by my power) "and we dated for like a week. It was so perf while we were together. We shared milk cartons at lunch and one time I ate a bug just to impress her that's why my voice can go so high because ethat bug is tickling my vocal cords when I sing" and I'm like "omg idgaf" and he keeps going on and is like "everything was going just fine…then, one day, the fire nation attacked" I made up that last part just cuz it made this story more interesting, but in reality he's like "she told me to meet her on the beach and was like I have to leave you now my love and I'm like why and she's like I have a confession to make I'm actually a mermaid princess who must return to her people because they ran out of chicken nuggets and I'm like what does that have to do with you and she's like I'm there princess is my responsibility to make sure that there all nice and fat and I'm like lol k but really I was jus so sad cuz she turned into her true form which was like half fish but I don't need to tell you that cuz you've probably seen the Disney movie anyway but I told her I'll never forget her and she's like you probably will and I'm like yeah and she swam off into the sunset but there wasn't any sun cuz it was overcast with a 75% of precipitation" and I'm like wow I don't really care but really I'm dying inside not because he lost love but because the mermaid princess was probably part of a patriarchal society that doesn't respect women and she's probably treated as a sex object and stuff and oh my gerd that sucks. So then I'm like "wait what does that have to do with manatees though" and he's like "manatees are like the mermaid princesses of the sea so there essentially the same thing" and I'm like "lol ok".

So then he asked me to put his dick in my mouth and again asserting my feminine power I said no cuz if we were meant to stick that there God would of given us vaginas on our face but we don't so ha gotcha I'mma be Christian bout this so there. And he's like "girl pls" and I've gotten more braver at this point and I'm like "hall no your gonna put it in the right place and your gonna like it" and I thnink he was really turned on then since as you already know men love women who say no and make sure you know that too. Since nobody was going to do it because apparently hairy stools isn't interested in what I have in store for him in my top I decided to do it myself cuz #girlpower so I tooked off my shirt and he just stared at my boobs and I wasn't even shy about it not because I'm a hoe who's used to doing these kind of thing to guys no I wasn't shy about it cuz I'm comfortable wit my body and I want to let him know that I'm not insecure about my feminity and if he doesn't like that he can go fool around with niel or louey but not zany cuz he's mein so back off hoes.

Determined that I'm going to top becuz hoes get fugged an I ain't no hoe, I told him to say something and he's like "do you want me to sing to you" and I'm like "no" and he's like "should I do a woody harrelson impression I've been told I do a good one" and I'm like "yeah by yo mama OHHHHH but cereally no" and he's like "should I call you daddy" and I'm like eww I didn't need to know you had daddy ishes but now that you mention it it makes total sense now and he was probs touched by his uncle too and probs on his hands because uncles are dirty like that I never trusted them cuz they ain't yo daddy and there not your mom so what are they? Anyway I was like "you know what never mind do the first one cuz then I can record you singing off your first ablum which would be grate for my tumblr buddies cuz they get super secret stuff but there idiots anyway oh oops I wasn't supposed to say that out loud oh well don't tell them I said that" and he's like "lol ok." So he sang me the song off the new ablum that I won't say the title of cuz it hasn't leaked yet and I'm not even supposed to be telling you this cuz every time a song leaks on the internet a baby Chihuahua gets hit by santa claus (his name is in lower case cuz it's not really his name cuz he has to keep it a secret so jack frost won't come for him and take over the north pole like in that one movie but hey you didn't here it from me) who then has to fill out a ton of paper work cuz you need to file that stuff but he gets off scott free cuz the police force isn't supposed to acknowledge his existence because otherwise the us government will crash and the world will end (that's what my friend told me and I didn't believe him at first but then he told me to google it so I did and I found it so it must be true so don't even try to be skeptical cuz I already beat you to it so there). But just cuz I love you all with a big 3 lol that doesn't even really look like a heart and I should know because my uncle's a surgeon jus saying but anyway I'll tell you part of the song even though I'm not supposed to and this is exclusive stuff you know so don't be picky even though I can't sing you the song cuz this is text and you can't here the song in text so you'll just have to deal with it.

It goes like "and we danced all night to the best song ever" haha it's like a song within a song so like songception (lol I love that movie by the way but the movie's not called songception it's inception just in case you didn't know haha lookin out for you) and it's a totally under the radar song right now like nobody's heard it and if you have then it's probably fake and you know what happens to fakers haha yeah they go to down under and I mean hell and I was going to say that first but then I'm like I dunno that's a bad word but I'm not using it badly so haha jokes on you jesus jk but anyway my Sunday school teacher told me that fraud was a sin that was very bad and that's like faking so yeah fakes on the internet should go bye-bye cuz no one lieks you anyway.

Anyway that's exclusive top secret information so shh don't say nothing to nobody like don't even pretend we didn't have this conversation so then all them coppers and whatever don't take you to hell jail.

So he's like "did you liek the song baby" and I'm like "don't call me baby cuz that offensive" and he's like "lol ok" and then he asked me to ride him like a stallion which is ridiculous because we were having the sex not taking pony rides lol get it right hairy stools.

He unbuttoned his pants and was like "you know what to do baby" and I'm like "btch pls it's you're turn to pleasure me harry direction" but since he's a selfish misogynist asshole like all men but he's cute for it it's cute when guys don't know how to treat a woman right because they're secretly just afraid of your power ha ha I just gave you some more advice on womanhood your welcome (cum). So he sighs like this SIGH and is like "fine girl what do you want me to do now" and I've never been in this situation before cuz like I said I ain't no hoe I'm a good girl who was saving herself for marriage like a good Christian so yeah take that mom and honestly this encounter doesn't really count anyway so yeah I'm still a virgin but I'm like "pee in my butt" and he's like "lol wtf" and there wasn't going back now so I'm like "yeah pee in my butt" and he's like "girl you's a freak girl a freak" and I'm like "you're only intimidated by my power" cuz I was like not afraid to tell him what I wanted even though honestly I would prefer that he not urinate in my anus.

But he was stubborn and wasn't into that shit so I'm like "fine just stick your penis in my vagina until your baby gravy goes up all in me cuz baby you know how much you love it and I can call you baby cuz the male race hasn't been objectified nearly enough" and he's like "wait wut you don't want to use a condom" and I was just like smh bro "condoms are sinful, you doi is in the bible" and he's like "it is" and I'm like "yeah and don't even look it up cuz I go to church ever Sunday and ever Sunday the pastor's like if you use a condom y'all need jesus cuz you're basically aborting the baby so you might as well take your ticket to hell jail right now" and he's like "shiiiiit man I ain't goin to no hell jail" and you can tell a man's freaking out when he starts going all ghetto on you so yeah another word of advice. I don't know why he was so worried since obviously nothing bad's going to happen and doesn't he know that you don't need to worry about consequences if your old enough and I'm like close enough to eighteen so yeah I don't need to worry about consequences like getting pregnant cuz that's only bad when you're a kid in high school like on that one show about the pregnant girl (lol there's a lot but I think you know which one I'm talking about wink I didn't use the face that time cuz yolo).

So he sticks his wee dick in me(ha that's british for tiny the more you know or don't know I guess lol cuz I could just be kidding about the size I guess you'll never know jelly much?) and I'm like omg in my head and he starts going "UURGGHSGHGHGHHGH" and one of the people next door were like "STOP FUGGIN'" and we're like "screw you old person our parts work" and he just gets real quiet cuz he knows it's true. So harry direction's like "you have a sweet vagina" and I'm like "how do you know your not eating it silly" and he's like "do you want me to?" and I'm like "lol ok" and he starts licking me like a cat licks milk you know if the milk was a vagina and the cat wasn't a cat but a slutty member of a boy band.

And then he starts yelling "take my dick taylor" and I'm like "I'm not taylor lol" but maybe he was role-playing or something idk there are a lot of taylor's and I don't see why he would be pretending I'm one of them. We go for like a minute and a half because apparently he's got a short fuse and doesn't like to savor it and is like "I'M GONNA COME" and I'm like "where" like lol we're in a hotel room where the heck do you have to be and then there's like goo inside me which was kinda weird but whatever I'm just not used to it why cuz I ain't a hoe.

So cuz he's selfish he doesn't even let me finish he's just done and he's like "k I'm going to bed now" and he doesn't even give me cab fare like lol wtf he's not a gentleman but I don't even care because I dominated his buttocks and I felt great because I asserted my power as a young woman and nobody can tell me any different. Anyway he just passed out on the bed and I'm like "wtf am I supposed to do now" and he just snored which is totally unattractive but I was still kinda turned on cuz honestly I was just desperate to finish.

So I laid in bed next to him and I snuggled with him in the kitty litter cuz he was starting to grow on me even though he was dumb and I still don't like the one direction cuz I don't need to be told that I don't know I'm beautiful by some guy because I do know so screw you buddy.

Then all of a sudden the hotel room door opened like wooooosh and I'm like "wtf" and there in the doorway stood niel direction who was mega p'd and I'm like "lol wut" and he's like "YOU HARLOT" and I'm like "that's not even a real word" and then hairy stools woke up and he's like "this isn't what it looks like" but what did it look like? It was pretty obvious we had mega kinky kitty litter nipple rubbing sex and if you didn't get that your weird.

So niel's like "you cheated on me" and I'm like "lol wut" and harry's like "you weren't supposed to know" and niel's like "uh this is our hotel room so yeah I think I would've known that you've been screwing around with some whore" and that's where I just stopped taking his shit and was like "HEY! I AIN'T NO HOE! K? I CALLED NO HOE-MO SO WE DIDN'T EVEN TECHNICALLY HAVE THE SEX PLUS HE DIDN'T LET ME FINISH AND WE'RE LEGAL DRINKING AGE ANYWAY SO BACK OFF! YOU'RE JUST JELLY OF MY POWER AND THAT HARRY STUCK HIS DICK IN ME" and then they just staired at me and harry's like "she came onto me" and I'm like "OH HALL NO" and niel's like "I think you should leave before we have security escort you out of the building. Whore."

So they wouldn't even treat me right and escort me out. Plus harry direction didn't even stand up for me cuz what we had was real. Men are such jerks. I can't believe I let myself be tempted by the hairy stools. I wouldn't even ship niel and harry cuz there's not even any chemistry between them ziall is obvo the way to go well shipping is overrated anyway and I'm too good for that nonsense. This wasn't even a story worth bragging about to my friends at this point but I told my backstabbing ditch bitch about what happened and she's like "you two banged?" and I'm like "yeah but it wasn't real sex cuz he didn't let me finish" but she still told me to get a pregnancy test which is stupid cuz it wasn't even real sex he just stuck his penis in my vagina and spewed his steamin semen all over da place. I humored her anyway cuz I wanted to prove her wrong but it turns out he got me preggers and he left me behind to go on the road and I was like "wtf bro" and he doesn't even send child support.

My chilld will be born soon and when he's able to talk and ask where his father is I'll just turn on the tv and tell him he's the dickbag on screen with the pubic hair on his head and baby will be like "lol ok" cuz those will be his first words I guarantee it. Still, sometime I wonder if he'll ever leave his butt buddy and come (cum) back to me cuz he knows he loves me.

Anyway, that was my fanfic hope you liek ands rate 5 stars it make me


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